Skyrim: 5 reasons the game sucks

 

Oh, sure. Everyone loves Skyrim. It’s so wonderful and awesome and even washes your car on Saturday. What’s not to like? Plenty.

Here are five reasons Skyrim really sucks:

1. The elves are ugly

Don’t the developers at Bethesda realize elves are suppose to be all imperious and glorious and as beautiful as a spring meadow? Geez, haven’t they read Tolkien. Even in the Drizzt series, the dark elves are so beautiful they have to live underground so ordinary mortals won’t be constantly reminded how even evil elves are so much hotter and smarter and cooler than they are.

But no. Skyrim elves aren’t just ugly, their butt ugly. In fact, calling them butt ugly is an insult to butts.

It’s pretty much impossible to make a pretty elf in Skyrim. Every lore geek knows that’s just not right.

2. Skyrim people are naive

People put some pretty valuable stuff where anyone can just stroll around and pick it up. Weapons, gold, collectible books, you name it; a lot of it’s right out there for the taking. You just have to look for it. Which means you better look everywhere. In the desk. On the table. In the bookcase. In the barrel.

If the people of Skyrim just had enough sense to keep their valuables locked up, you wouldn’t get distracted looking for them.

3. The classes are all mish-mashed

Wait! I can be an orc ranger who uses magic and backstabs?!

The Holy Church of Roleplaying Rule Makers is going to excommunicate these Bethesda blasphemers. There are roles each class is suppose fit into with very narrowly defined trees of skills. Healers are suppose to be healers; sorcerers, sorcerers; and rogues are always melee dps. Any departure from this formula is heresy.

4. The barrel makers are thieves

How did so many people in Skyrim end up with barrels? Why are so many of these barrels empty or filled with things that just don’t belong in barrels? That’s right! The notorious barrel maker’s guild must be forcing their barrels on the unfortunate inhabitants of Skyrim.

There’s a conspiracy afoot, somewhere. Let’s hope they root out the evil-doers in one of the DLCs.

5. It never ends

Skyrim is endless. It seems to never end. There’s just so much to do and only one lifetime to do it. No matter how hard you try, how many hours you put in, there’s probably something you missed.

It’s like a real world, not a game. Well, a world filled with dungeons and puzzles and bandits and almost unending entertainment, but aside from that, it sucks.